Being a medium, someone attuned to work with the subtleties of Spirit results in me being a very sensitive person. I’ve recently realised that this outcome, brings with it a quality akin to being OCD in nature. Everything has to fit in particular boxes to satisfy my needs and desires.
Being super-sensitive also means that I tend to read into situations and incidents with a very large magnifying glass. Things that ordinary people would let brush over them, stick with me. I over analyse everything. The good side of this is that I see and hear things ahead of them happening because I see and hear the subtle signs in advance.
But that quality can also work as a negative as you might feel from the main message of this post. The worst thing an ordinary person can do is share a passing remark with a sensitive and expect it to just be observed and let go. With me, that rarely happens. I hang on people’s every word. Their reactions, their expressions, their moods and feelings, are, sadly, things I detect and allow myself to be affected by all too often.
I suspect that this issue with me might stem from years of having a low self esteem, which, if we were to be honest, probably roots right back to my relationship with my parents. Whatever the reasons, it is something I have come to live with and deal with, though not always in the best way.
There is a slight barrier on these feelings and how or who I get them with. If I have no strong feelings about someone and they approached me and said, for example, you’re not a very good medium are you? That would not worry me in the slightest. I have learnt to master those situations quite well, usually with intelligent responses and sympathy for the statement maker.
The challenge, however, is when I like the person. Now I have to say for clarity, that the remark I said above has never been said to me, I’m just using it as an example to keep you reading! If I have let someone into my world and into my own private network, if you like, I do care about every word and every action they take.
I deliberately do not have more than a couple of dozen ‘friends’ on my social media accounts. I don’t want to hear from people I may not like and certainly don’t know. I don’t want to read swearing or nonsense that might effect me. So I simply choose not to be a part of it. I know people very close to my inner network that actually thrive on having big number ‘followers’. Where I talk in numbers of ‘followers’ in tens on my accounts, they talk in numbers of k’s. I don’t understand why they need it, but that’s not my problem anyway.
My goals and desires are personal to me and they have been scrutinised by my own high demands of myself. So if I set about a project, the most likely reason is because I have planned it in detail or/and have a vision of the outcome. Nothing less can be settled for, in my way of thinking.
Yes, I do get frustrated when my close network of friends commit themselves to goals or situations that I feel are wrong. But it is not for me to tell them. Why would they want to listen to me anyway? But if their plans really do upset me, then what tends to happen is that I draw away from them. I create a distance whereby they move further away from my mental inner network. Often such people simply leave my life and I’m not bothered by that. They might consider that I have suddenly started ignoring them and that I don’t seem to bother with them any more. Both are true, I’m afraid.
Given time, I could make a list as long as your arm of people that were once very close to me. Most of them, I have no idea what they are doing nowadays. I don’t know them any more. In many of the cases, I don’t want to. Why? Because I am a sensitive and I don’t want their words, their actions, their way of thinking, to affect me.
Becoming a medium has meant for me a journey of self discovery. In many ways, that journey has resulted in change in me and my outlook on life. I have had to find answers, direction and the right people to help me along the way. Some of them remain close to me this very day. Others have continued their journey of which I’m no longer a part of it.
Many of my medium friends have often told me how their life is a roller-coaster ride of ups and downs. Emotions almost always rule the decisions a medium makes because they are the dominant force. Logic is the often the last deciding factor. Ordinary folks usually have it the other way around!
There is an old joke that the great comedian, Tommy Cooper, used to repeat regularly. In short it went like this: ”
Patient: “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”
Doctor: ” I know the cure. Don’t do it.”
Right now, as I write this post, I have to make some radical decisions that I’m sure are important to me as a person regarding the direction my life takes. I have to stop doing some of the things that are hurting me. Some of the things that I’m no longer comfortable with, need to be taken away from my worrying.
One of the first things is regarding my website. I am going to mothball it again. I’ve done it before and I’m doing it again. Why? Because of many factors both technically and personally. The main reason, I believe, is that it is a pointless exercise that takes time and regular commitment and with no end outcome. So I’m closing it down to the public completely, including the ‘Open Mind’ section of which this is part. When the readers, the public, you, don’t give me feedback, then you are indirectly giving me feedback. I am also going to close the associated Facebook page.
Other decisions regarding the future of my personal development circle and the members is being considered too. I give 100% to the students and 100% is what I expect back. Anything less and I consider I am failing. So I am in the process of change with the groups.
There are a few other things that are bothering me at this time and each of them will be dealt with in the only way I know how. As a medium, I believe I’m as good as the next. But I live by a different set of values unique to me. I’m currently experiencing some conflict in my thinking about what is correct and what is not. I’ve always believed that being a medium is an honour and a very big responsibility. It is not entertainment and most definitely should not be treated as such. I also believe that ego should not be a factor in mediumship. So, as I personally battle with these issues and share time with my personal network of mediums and friends in the field of working with spirit, I question my role in it all. It is at that point that I get lost and confused.
So the only way I can deal with those issues is to withdraw myself from the exposure and close the doors. Life is too short to be unhappy.
I’m happy with what I’ve achieved. I’ve had a shot at anything that interests me enough. Things that I’m not good or comfortable with usually drop by the wayside. The title of this post is ‘Naked Sensitivity’ for a reason. I’m telling you how it is for me in my inner world of thoughts. Here’s one such thought in the form of a rhetorical exercise. Put your finger in a glass of water. Now take your finger out. How long does the hole where your finger was remain? I feel like that finger right now. I feel that nothing really matters any more. Perhaps this roller coast ride will see me soaring high again soon. Who knows? But while it’s down, it’s time for me to get off the ride!
That’s all I have to say for this final ‘Open Mind’ post. Thank you for reading it. Thank you for being part of the process. It’s time to turn big light off and draw the curtains. Good night all. ♥